We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
someone owes me an orgasm
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Then you guys just all showered together...?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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