New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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