We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Randomize
