I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
