forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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