My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
