you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I have so many feelings about this burrito
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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