dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
