and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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