thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
