I love black thongs
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
