if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
