she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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