he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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