why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
