a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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