he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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