i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize