Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
