Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My pussy is not your playground.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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