my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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