That's when you crack a 10am beer
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
