DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
