Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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