i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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