god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
