Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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