I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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