no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
