I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
