we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
