Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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