i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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