why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
