I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
