Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
