no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
