I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
