omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
