it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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