So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
My ATM looks so different sober.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
