You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize