When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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