Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
