so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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