Kiss
Puke
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize