I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
