I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Please don't give away my fajitas
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
