Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
