I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
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