So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
