All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You ruined the universe
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
