I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
