That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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