If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
