Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
