sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
