And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
