what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
