i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize