I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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