i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
