I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
