Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize